Is This It?

I'm finally back to writing. My last post feels like a long time ago, back in November 2024, and the shift in my life since then has been monumental. I barely recognize last year's "Jhana" who wrote that last entry.

My main focus for 2025 has been my fitness. I've successfully lost 15 kg, and I'm now embracing running and regular gym visits. I genuinely feel like I'm a happier and healthier person. Yet, I find myself missing my old motivation to act. As I turn 30, I'm honestly feeling a little lost when it comes to my purpose.

My history is rooted in work; I started when I was just 15. My parents' separation was a major turning point, driving me to work tirelessly—not just to survive, but to support my family and younger siblings. As the oldest daughter, I felt compelled to toughen up.

Now, however, life has settled down. My siblings are secure, and I've achieved my dream job and what I once considered my dream life. But this quiet stability brings a new fear: I'm scared I’m not pushing myself hard enough. Have I reached the end? What if I'm wasting my potential? Am I simply satisfied because my life is calmer and happier now? Or could it be that I actually miss the urgency—the chaos, the fight for survival, the clear purpose—that defined my past?

I just got back from Japan when this picture was taken. After a few months, had a benign tumor taken out of my breast. Alone. LOL. I was a tough bitch. Was 22?? years old that time.